"I'm not changing myself for anybody!"

"I'm not changing myself for anybody!"

An image instantly flashes in my mind.  It is me, at the age of 12, being asked to give part of my sandwich to my friend.  He did not bring a lunch to school that day.  I brush him off with a cold, "fuck off."

I internally shake my head, to get the bad memories out.

Why do I randomly decide to write about personal change?  Because, believe it or not, I used to be a fucking asshole.  Everybody I tell that to initially stares at me in shock and disbelief.  But it's true!  Ever since I was a young boy until about the age of 14, I was the most selfish, conniving bastard on the face of the earth.  I would not do anything for anybody because I was more interested in personal gain than anything else.  But around the age of 15, I realized this was borderline psychopathic, as I had then at the time, acquired a totally different circle of friends that showed me exactly how people should act towards one another.  Sure, they have their flaws, and they may be awkward sometimes (so am I to be honest, but I don't really care) but they're genuinely good people, and I really respect and admire that about them.  It helped push me in the right direction, that's for sure.

Furthermore, I know many people that are not afraid to step all over the fingers of others just to get to the top.  Do you have any idea how many enemies you'll make that way?  There are alternatives.  What's wrong with making your way to the top, while simultaneously helping others up along the way?  Are you afraid of being used?  I won't deny that there are some assholes out there that will try to use me for their own personal gain, but I can't live for those people.  I have to live for the general population, which I believe are good people, for the most part.  Maybe a bit insecure, but nonetheless, good people.  

Anyways, I have heard the title quote being said to me from many, many people.  I think this is a good quote to stand by if we're talking about minor things that don't affect anybody but yourself, such as a habit that you have (let's say biting your fingernails) that you've picked up over the years.  But, let's move to a more large-scale example for a minute...such as your whole personality because you're a douchebag?  I'm pretty sure that it would be in everyone's best interests (especially yourself) to change for the better.  A good way to do this, I find, is to find yourself a good role model.  Don't pick a dickhead, pick somebody who you know would do the right thing whenever possible, and is just a genuinely good person.  My role model would probably be my dad.  I guess I'm thankful that I've got such an awesome father (and my mother is pretty cool too, but she PMS's way too much.  No hate though, it's just the female body).

Every now and then, I'll also get the god-awful, "But that's not who I really am!" whine when discussing personal change.

Well, no shit it's not who you really are.  Sure, it's going to be a charade for the first few months that you're doing this.  But remember, who you really are is a fucking douche.  If you decide to "be true" to yourself, you're essentially deciding to be the person that nobody wants to be around, raising hell (and not in the good way!) and demolishing the souls of every single person in your path.  Do you really want to be the person that causes pain and grief in others, all in the name of being "genuine"?  Fuck off.

The longer you keep up this "charade", the less fake it will feel.  It will become a part of you eventually.  Pretty soon, things that used to really make you mad and instill those all familiar feelings of HATE and DESTRUCTION will diminish to nothing but little pieces.  But those little pieces are small enough to restrict, so that's okay.  Is your personality something you're given from birth?  Maybe a little, but it's also a product of the environment you're in, and your own personal choices.  Because it's also a choice, you DO have the power to change.  You just need to have the right mindset to achieve this, like all goals.

You're probably thinking, "How long do I have to act for?"

I don't know.  Everybody is different.  I took about a year.  But if you are resilient enough, it will come pretty naturally, and now I can safely say I'm no longer an asshole, for the most part.  I still use curse words quite often though.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.